Ask a Therapist with Kate Hanselman

I want to start by acknowledging how tough this situation is. Depression is hard not just for the person experiencing it, but also for their partner and the relationship. I’m sure a lot of people can relate to what you’re going through.

First, kudos to you for noticing that your partner might be depressed. It’s easy to miss the signs and simply describe people as “grumpy,” “checked out,” or “lazy.” The fact that you’re looking at this with compassion and wanting to help is meaningful.

If your partner seems reluctant to open up, remember this isn’t a reflection of you or your relationship; These conversations are inherently tough. Below, we’ll walk through practical steps to navigate this situation while prioritizing both your partner’s needs and your own well-being.

Step 1: Observe Without Judgment

While I’d never suggest diagnosing your partner yourself, tuning into behavioral patterns can help. Here’s what I tell people to watch for:

  • Apathy (losing interest in activities they once enjoyed)
  • Sleep or appetite shifts (sleeping too much/too little, eating more/less)
  • Unrelenting fatigue (even after rest)
  • Unusual irritability (quick to anger or frustration)
  • Persistent sadness (lasting weeks, not days)
  • Increased substance use (drinking more, using drugs, etc.)
  • Social withdrawal (pulling away from you, friends, or hobbies)

It’s important to compare these signs to their normal behavior. For example, if your partner usually enjoys solo time, there’s nothing wrong with that. But if they used to be pretty social and now avoid everyone—including you—that’s a change worth noting.

Partners often see changes first. Many people keep up appearances at work or socially, then collapse emotionally at home. If they’re “shutting down” around you, it’s likely a sign they trust you enough to stop pretending—not a rejection.

Step 2: Create Safe Opportunities to Talk (and Listen)

If your partner seems reluctant to talk about their feelings (a common response), approach it gently using “I notice” statements to avoid sounding accusatory:

  • “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed a little withdrawn lately.”
  • “I notice you’ve been sleeping more than usual.”
  • “I notice you haven’t been eating much.”

Then pause. Let them respond in their own time. Depression often comes with shame, so don’t pressure them for answers. Your role is to stay open, remind them you care, and avoid controlling their reaction.

If they say “I’m fine” or “Please leave me alone”, you might reply: “I understand this might not be the best time, but I need to have this conversation with you. When would work better?” This gives them space to process while keeping the conversation alive.

Important add: Depression can cause problems beyond interpersonal relationships. If they’ve stopped paying bills or supporting your household, address those issues in a separate conversation when emotions aren’t running high.

Step 3: Encourage Professional Help

When your partner is ready to talk, you can start by asking, “What do you think would be helpful? What should we do?”

It’s common to hear a few different responses. I’ll offer some guidance on how you might respond in each case. The specifics will depend on your situation, so think of these as starting points:

They say: “Nothing.”

This is when your boundaries become important. You might say:

  • “This has been getting worse over the past three months, and I need [specific need].”
  • “I can’t continue like this. Would you be open to trying couples therapy? Having a third person involved could help us.”

They say: “I don’t know.”

Offer to support them by saying: “I understand it’s hard to decide right now.” Then suggest options:

  • “Should we talk about this tomorrow?”
  • “Would you like to make a plan now?”
  • “I think talking to a professional could help. Would you want to explore that on your own, or would you like my help?”

When encouraging professional support, avoid taking over the process. Don’t make appointments for them—this isn’t your responsibility. You can offer to help research therapists or be there when they reach out, but the decision and action need to come from them. Otherwise, you risk enabling them to stay stuck instead of moving forward.

Step 4: Prioritize Your Own Well-being

Therapy isn’t just for your partner; it’s for you, too. Leading by example can help both of you.

A therapist can help you balance caregiving with self-care. It’s easy to put your life on hold, but you still need to do things you enjoy, whether it’s baking, exercise, walking the dog, or meeting up with friends. A therapist can also help you spot patterns: Do you often partner with people who need intense support? Could this be codependency? Untangling these questions with a professional brings clarity.

Finally, don’t overlook support groups (for you or your partner). They’re powerful reminders that neither of you has to face this alone.

Final Reminders

It’s not your job to “cure” anyone of their depression. No amount of self-sacrifice will heal your partner. This is a partnership, not a caretaking role.

If their symptoms escalate to suicidal thoughts or ideation, act immediately:

  • Call/text 9-8-8 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline)
  • Loved ones can contact crisis counselors directly for guidance on supporting someone at risk