Our therapists provide couples therapy in Cary, NC

In working with couples, my favored approach is the Gottman Method because it allows us to work on areas of conflict (Four Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse) and build on our strengths (Sound Relationship House).

I teach the following tools in couples counseling:

• Interpersonal effectiveness skills (all aspects of communicating with one another).
• Bids for attention/affection - Do we turn toward, away from, or against one another during bids?
• Love maps - Knowing our partner's inner psychological world.
• Building intimacy - Helping partners learn how to build emotional intimacy through a sense of emotional safety and vulnerable sharing.
• Challenging narratives/patterns - How to become aware of and dismantle unhelpful narratives partners hold about one another.

I know couples are making meaningful progress when they are experiencing argument reduction in frequency, intensity, or duration. For those who struggle to communicate their wants and needs, they may struggle more with distance-prone relationships rather than conflict-prone relationships. Progress for distance couples is seen in their willingness to express needs and vulnerabilities and in their partner's affirmations and reinforcement of emotional safety. In discernment couples, one partner is seen as leaning in and wanting to work on the relationship, while the other is leaning out and unsure if they want to continue. The focus for these couples is to bring clarity as far as their choices and provide emotional support for each partner, the objective being healthy people, together or apart.

My best advice for couples to continue the work outside of therapy sessions is to make sure that they are making and responding to bids for affection and attention. We don't have to eliminate every negative to find balance; we can also generate more positives to do so. Developing awareness without judgment will also be beneficial in helping to identify and address issues without engaging in personalization (hurting yourself) or blaming (attacking your partner).

If you're considering couples counseling, let me reassure you that many healthy couples come in seeking help with their communication, life stressors, or simply awareness of how their individual issues might impact their relationship. To prepare for your first session, it can help to express encouragement to one another about wanting to better understand each other and the life you're building together. It's not a court of law and I'm not the jury or the judge. You're here to heal and/or grow and that will be the focus. As a side note, be mindful of social media algorithms, as they can greatly exacerbate our insecurities and anxieties about ourselves, our partners, and our relationships.